Asking for What You Want
Of all the Sticky Floors that I identify in my book – those beliefs, assumptions and behaviors that hold women back – the one that is probably most within our control is asking for what we want. Ironically, it’s probably also one of the stickiest.
Over the past twenty years working with women at all levels, I have seen them get hung up on this one issue more than any other. Women are uncomfortable asking for what they want, feeling they are not entitled to something or that it will come their way simply as recognition for their accomplishments – if others judge me “good enough” or entitled, then I will get it. If not, I won’t. But that puts the control outside of us, giving too much power to and, indeed, putting too much faith in others. No one can read your mind. It is up to you to tell them what you’re thinking, what your goals are and, what you want.
What’s the price we pay if we don’t? By leaving it to others to give us what we want, not getting it can take a toll on our self-worth, reducing our confidence and, ultimately, our effectiveness, making it even less likely that we will get what we want. Or, we get what someone else thinks we want. It isn’t their fault if they get it wrong – we asked them to do the impossible: read our minds.
But there’s a real cost, too – the dollars and cents kind. Not asking for the salary they want costs women big bucks. Authors Linda Babcock and Sarah Laschever, Women Don’t Ask: Negotiation and the Gender Divide, say women who consistently negotiate their salary increases earn at least $1 million more during their careers than women who don’t. And, men, they say, initiate negotiations about four times as often as women. Babcock and Laschever write “When asked to pick metaphors for the process of negotiating, men picked ‘winning a ballgame’ and a ‘wrestling match,’ while women picked ‘going to the dentist.’”
It’s all about attitude: believing we deserve to ask, being confident and prepared in our presentation, and learning, if not to enjoy it, to at least not hate it so much. You know the old adage that a dog can sense fear – those around us sense our apprehension or lack of confidence and can use that to be dismissive. But a confident presenter who is prepared will be much better able to control a situation – and get what they want.
Do’s and Don’ts for Getting What You Want:
· Don’t assume people will take care of you.
· Do make your accomplishments known to the right people.
· Don’t assume people know what you want.
· Do understand what it is that you want and communicate those goals and objectives clearly.
· Don’t assume getting what you want involves an either/or proposition – either you go full steam down the career path and neglect your family priorities, or take care of your family and opt out of career advancement.
· Do believe that you can achieve work-life balance and get ahead at work and ask for it.
· Don’t make emotional arguments such as “I deserve…” or “I need…” or “I want…”
· Do your homework. Make your case with facts (your accomplishments, market trends, etc.).
· Do make it a win–win by creating a bridge between their concerns and your interests.
· Don’t take “No” personally or assume that No means No forever.
· Do understand that many factors including timing, budgets, how you ask, etc., may come into play. Pay attention to timing and ask again.
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